It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times. The United States today: it’s Watergate, 9/11, the Civil War, the potato famine, and the cancellation of “Sex and the City” all rolled into one. Thank god, due to climate change, the world’s supposed to end in eight years. That reminds me. I gotta pick up my shirts at the cleaners.

So, why is everything so bad? Because we live in the age of hyperbole. In fact, some say we’re living in the greatest, most incredible era of hyperbole since the beginning of time! In which hacks use extreme rhetoric to scare you into submission. 

If you don’t wear a mask outside while jogging, you have blood on your hands! If you support the cops, you’re a racist, with blood on your hands. And if you cut your finger slicing tomatoes, you have blood on your hands. (Well, that would be true.) But even more – if you disagree with Joe – you might just as well be Jefferson Davis himself.

Joe Biden, 7/13: The assault on free and fair elections is just such a threat — literally. I’ve said it before. We’re facing the most significant test of our democracy since the Civil War. It’s not hyperbole — since the Civil War.

Joe Biden literally doesn’t know the meaning of the word literally. I mean – Joe says it’s not hyperbole – cuz he knew it was hyperbole the moment he said it. You could say he has hyperbole on the brain. And boy, hyperbole must be very lonely.

It’s weird how a month of challenging a contentious election — makes you worse than a pro-slavery confederate flag-waving, non-recycling Democrat. But Joe’s party spent four years doing the same thing, with the 2016 election. The irony is thicker than Brian Stelter’s thighs. Still, the hyperbole continues.

Now, remember, during the Civil War – those Confederate Democrats may have owned slaves – but they never put on red hats, wandered into the capitol, and stole office supplies from Jerry Nadler! 

Joe Biden, 7/13: Confederates, back then, never breached the Capitol as insurrectionists did on January 6. I’m not saying this to alarm you. I’m saying this because you should be alarmed 

So, wait a second, pal. January 6th shouldn’t have alarmed you – because, by January 6th, you should have…